Category: humor

The Italian Stallion

Posted on by Susan Panzica

I wrote this post 2 weeks ago on our return from Florida, but waited for family clearance before publishing it. How funny that my last 2 posts were about that waiting period that God allows us to experience sometimes, and this post chronicles our unexpected and unwelcome delay to begin our trip.

 It all began with a rocky start. Apparently, due to the severe weather on Saturday, JetBlue cancelled our Sunday flight. Just cancelled it. As in, too bad, nothing you can do about it, just cancelled, want your money back? Uh, nooooo, what I want is to fly to Florida! I could share my rant about the 2 hours on hold, the misinformation I repeatedly received, or the rude desk attendant who informed me that the other airlines – who did not cancel flights – fly in different air currents to Florida (air currents? really??), but I’ll spare you. (And in the interest of full disclosure, the flight home was excellent and staffed with wonderful attendants.)


Instead, I would like to share a surprising happy experience.


Because we were delayed 24 hours, holed up in a Queens NY hotel, we decided to visit my husband’s uncle who rarely gets visitors now that he’s in a nursing home following knee surgery. Uncle Joey, my mother-in-law’s favorite brother, is a colorful character, and our hour-long conversation with him was like “The Godfather” meets “Abbott and Costello.”


The Panzica’s (P): Hi, Uncle Joey. So good to see you.


Uncle Joey (J): Yo. How ya doin’?


P: Good, you?


J: Menza, menz. Ey – whatcha gonna do?


J: (to AJ) Yo, you got tall. [at 5’8” AJ is never called tall, so he appreciated that!]


P: What’s new with you?


J: Nuthin’. Hey, he got tall, and I got bald.


P: So, how’s the food here?


J: Stinks! Macalacala! But whatcha gonna do?


The invisible guy in the next bed behind the curtain utters “fkejesjseucksyrdufbe” punctuated by hacking coughs.


J: So how’d ya find this place?


P: We followed the GPS.


J: What? (to AJ) Kid, you work for UPS?


AJP: No, we followed the GPS to get here. You know, satellites and maps giving directions….

 J: So, you like working for UPS? Ay – he got tall. So is she.
(She being Lauren who is 5’2″!)


We call my mother-in-law so Uncle Joey can talk to her.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t have her hearing aids in.


P: Hey, ma! We’re here with Uncle Joey. I’ll put him on.


J: Yo, Nina! Gravatsa! …. Wha’? – ya don’t understand me? …. Mercy mercy, mercy.


– “fkejesjseucksyrdufbe”


J: You gotta make the woochies!
(woochies are Italian fig cookies that take 2 days to make)


P: Uncle Joey, we’re gonna make woochies soon. We’ll bring you some.


J: Yeah, I want woochies. Ay – he got tall.


– “fkejesjseucksyrdufbe”


P: So, is there a good pizza place around here?


J: I dunno. Angelo opened up a place in Queens. On the highway. Ant’ny, you know Angelo?


P: I think so. What’s the name of the pizza place?


J: I dunno. It don’t have a name. He just opened up a pizza place – down the road – on the highway.


P: Did you ever sell pizza?


J: Oh yeah. Made pizza in my house. But Angelo, he opened up a pizza place – down the road – on the highway.


P: What else did you do?


J: I did everything, you name it. I delivered trees on 72nd to famous people. I sold firecrackers, you know, the good ones (the illegal ones). I worked for Bond Bread. For 40 years, I worked for them.


P: Did they give you a gold watch when you retired?


J: Ya know, they gave me a watch when I retired. Never worked.


P: Well, we gotta go, Uncle Joey.


J: Thanks for comin’. Ay – he got tall.


-“fkejesjseucksyrdufbe




We had been so disappointed about our delay, but because of it, we were able to visit with Uncle Joey which we had long wanted to do, but never found time for. An unexpected blessing that we would have missed if we spent our time griping and focused on our frustrating plight.


And we eventually did get to Florida, had a wonderful time with family and vacationing at the beach, even though it was 72 degrees both in Miami and in NJ!




Susan

Spring Break

Posted on by Susan Panzica

The hubby, kids and I will be traveling to Florida next week for Spring Break.

Think – a geriatric version of Where The Boys Are.

I have previously shared with you my trite observations of this lovely southern state when I visited my folks last September – Why I Don’t Live In Florida. But with our summer days largely spoken for with mission trips, cross-country camp and dance training, we decided to head south for Spring Break. Frankly, I’m rather honored that my college kids have agreed to spend their spring break with their parents. We’re just so cool… 

We’re flying out of LaGuardia, and I have been praying nonstop that there would be no geese around when we take off. I honestly have imagined our vacation spent on the wing of a plane floating in the Hudson River. I pray that our pilot is as skillful as Capt. Sully Sullenberger.

Once in sunny (and by sunny, I mean excruciatingly hot and humid) Florida, we’ll be spending a few days with my folks and a few days at the beach. Please keep my dad and stepmom in prayer as he has been in and out of the hospital with prostate cancer procedures that have weakened him and stressed her.

And feel free to keep my hair in prayer. As some of you know, I have naturally curly (and by curly, I mean huge, intermittently frizzy) hair that expands with the humidity. I am powerless to fight it. And of  course, I hate the way I look when it’s curly. Ladies, why is that???? We straighten our curls, and curl our straights.

But the humidity foils all our efforts. Ahhh – the great mystery – the very same humidity that swells my hair makes another’s straight hair flat. Just like the very same boiling water will make an egg hard, but a carrot soft. So we must conclude – it’s not the humidity nor the boiling water that is the problem, it is how we react to it! Likewise, a difficult circumstance will reduce one to tears, yet cause another to fortify her reserves. And so we must conclude – it’s not the circumstance that is the problem, it is how we react to it. We can’t always control the circumstance, but we can control how we react to things. To carry this a little further – When in hot water, we should be more like a coffee bean than the egg or the carrot because the egg and carrot react to the hot water, but the coffee actually changes the hot water. In it’s brokenness, it infuses the water with its fragrance and substance and positively affects the situation. It creates an improved environment. I’ll need to remember that this week 🙂

And so, my friends, as we speed along towards spring, may you have a blessed week, and I’ll catch up with you on the other side!

Susan
ps – Speaking of mysteries and seasons, here’s a favorite – Daniel 2:19-23
During the night the mystery was revealed to Daniel in a vision. Then Daniel praised the God of heaven and said:

“Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons;
he sets up kings and deposes them.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.
I thank and praise you, O God of my fathers:
You have given me wisdom and power,
you have made known to me what we asked of you,
you have made known to us the dream of the king.”

Snow and Marriage

Posted on by Susan Panzica

I heard today that February set a record for snowfall by 8 inches. That’s a  lot of snow. So please allow me one last snow lesson. 



This snow shoveling experience differed from my last one in that my husband was around. He took care of the snow-blower, Praise The Lord! And I helped out with the walkway.


Now let me share a secret with you that I neglected to mention last time.

My husband and I have different ways of doing things. Can you relate?


Perhaps, like me, you’ve heard that if two people were the same, one of them would be unnecessary. Or that when two people get married, they make up for each other’s weaknesses. Makes sense. Right?

For example, I have a little problem with timeliness. My husband is rarely late. So the conventional wisdom is that God brought us together to help me be on time.


“Two are better than one….” A true statement, to be sure, but it was said by Solomon, the wisest -yet sometimes stupidest- man who ever lived. He had 300 wives, 700 concubines, and lots of marital issues, which led to spiritual issues. Hmmmm – we take marriage advice from this fellow?


You see, when you’re single, no one ever tells you that the areas where you are different are the points of CONFLICT, people. You don’t argue about things you agree on. So I’m throwing the conventional wisdom right out the window on that one.


Well, when it comes to clearing the pathway and front stairs, my husband and I differ. He clears it to make it FUNCTIONAL, shoveling a path 2 feet wide on the 6 foot wide steps. You can make it to the front door. Fine. It works. For him. Not for me. I prefer it to be completely cleared to look ATTRACTIVE. Now since he usually does the work while I’m inside making soup or hot chocolate, I don’t complain about it.


But, when I cleared the stairs myself 2 weeks ago, I did it my way. For days afterward, I was happy as a clam looking at the job I did. Steps completely cleared.

Fast forward to Friday morning. I stood, shovel in hand, ready to tackle the stairs and path. My husband sauntered over. With each step closer, I got a little hotter from the inside out. You know what I’m saying? Have I ever told you that mind-reading is one of my spiritual gifts? Since my husband, like most men (or so I’m told), is a “problem-solver,” he likes to advise me on the proper method of doing just about everything. (Even things I’m fairly proficient at, like cooking.) He just wants to help. I, however, take it as a negative commentary on how I do things. So as he approached me, I prepared my rebuttal, and he hadn’t even said anything yet. Can you relate?


(By the way, can you tell I’ve been watching Beth Moore DVD’s –
“Can anybody relate?”
“Ladies, you with me here?”
“Can I hear an amen?”)

Anyway…


As I waited for his “You should….,” I readied my response:
     “When you do it, you can do it your way.
      When I do it, I’ll do it my way.
      You want me to do something.
      But you want me to do it your way.”


Well, as those last words rumbled through the empty hallways of my brain, I felt that gentle prick of the Holy Spirit.


God wants me to do things for Him.
And He wants me to do them His way.


His ways are not our ways.
They’re better.
Better for Him, better for His kingdom, better for us, and better for me.


“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Is. 55:9

It’s not enough to do what He’s called me to do.
I need to do it His way.
Patiently.
Humbly.
Lovingly.
Joyfully.
Obediently.
Sacrificially.
Without resentment, anger, pride, irritation, complacency or humming “I did it my way.”

Can I hear an Amen?

Susan

Yellow Snow

Posted on by Susan Panzica
I must confess to you, my friends. I have had this post sitting in my draft folder for over a week. I have mixed feelings about posting it. Usually, my motto is “when in doubt, don’t.” However, I am conflicted here.
You see, my husband got an email with this 30 second video in it, and it is the video itself that is the inspiration for this post. But truth be told, the video is rather disgusting. Kinda funny disgusting, but gross nevertheless. Yet I find a kernel of truth in it worth sharing.
I included the warning notice, but still, I was in a quandry. Oh, what should I do? So, I consulted with my wise friend, Nancy, who, in essence, said “You’re on your own here, girlfriend.” Well, that’s not exactly her words, but then I thought I’ll share this complete disclaimer with you first, and let you decide whether to click on the link to see the video or not. If you take heed of the warning and choose not to view the video, scroll down first to the more palatable verbal description I provided at the end of the post, so you can still retrieve the kernel of truth. How’s that for a compromise!
Just please don’t judge me….
—————————————————————————

WARNING!

In the interest of full disclosure,
the following video is not for
– the squeamish
– the legalistic
or
– the mature.

If your email doesn’t have the video, click below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXtFGT6BKzQ

I warned you.

First, let it be said – I don’t drink beer. I think it tastes vile, and don’t want to waste my money, my time or my calories on such a product.


That being said, why would I share this video with you?


Well, it’s a funny way to bring up my point for today,
and as I said, it is the inspiration for this post:

Things are not always what they seem.

How many times have we looked back on something that, at the time, seemed to be horrible only to realize later that it was exactly the opposite.

But until that realization, we deal with disappointment, anger and frustration.
-Losing that “perfect” guy.
-Not getting that “perfect” job.
-Moving away from that “perfect” home.
–Even if things aren’t “perfect,” but they’re familiar, we have expectations that we’ve grown accustomed to. And disillusionment sets in when setbacks happen.

Sometimes, I wonder who first looked at a hard, hairy coconut and decided to crack it open for the sweet milk inside. Or who looked at a red, spiny lobster and thought, if I boil that ugly thing, the meat inside will be tasty.


Too often, in our discontent, we miss the blessing hidden inside.


The apostle Paul was imprisoned, yet he was able to see that God was using his chains as a platform to share the good news with the entire palace guard, and furthermore, “Because of my chains,” he said, “most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.” Paul saw the blessing hidden inside.


My daughter, Lauren, had more struggles than most to pass her audition to the dance department at her college. Although at the time, it was a period of great disappointment, one of her ballet professors (the one we secretly call the “dance nazi”) later told Lauren that she was a much better dancer because of it.


The Lord gave Lauren this verse: “Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.” Phil 1:18-19


When our children are denied dessert until after they eat their broccoli, they’re displeased. My dog doesn’t understand why she needs a leash when we walk outside. They have neither the knowledge or maturity to see what we can.


Is there a hardship that you are facing today that may turn out for your deliverance tomorrow? The struggles we face can be either stumbling blocks or stepping stones to maturity. Perhaps your yellow snow, coconut, lobster, broccoli or leash may be a blessing in disguise.


Susan

ps – My daughter just came in and told me a story from one of her little dance students about what she learned in Hebrew school that week. To her dismay, she found out that “Sacagawea”, the Indian guide who led Lewis and Clark across the continent, was not Jewish after all. She always thought that “Sock-a-Jew-ae-ah” was a Jewish name. She was certain of it. But she found out: “things aren’t always what they seem.”

Video description:
Two men are walking along a snow covered path. They come upon a patch of yellow snow. Ed stoops down to eat it. Shocked, his friend starts to warn against it, but when he spies the source of the yellow, he bends down to partake of the spiked snow himself. The source? A man lugging a leaking keg of beer.

Once was lost….

Posted on by Susan Panzica

It was just a scarf. But it was one that I loved and that represented so much to me.

It was a gift from my mother-in-law. But it was one that I picked out myself.

It was one of the first things that I bought that my daughter said,
“Cool. Can I borrow it sometime?”


Oooooh… I have now morphed from classic (aka -“boring”) mom to funky (aka – “cool-er”, not yet totally cool) mom. I’ve been trying to move away from my typical traditional styling with some trendy fashion pieces. The scarf was one of my breakthrough items.

And it kept me warm – a practical bonus.

Now it was gone.

Driving home from dinner and a movie Saturday night, for no apparent reason, I got that heightened sense something was amiss. My nerves tingled. The hairs on my head prickled. It was that “spidey-sense” feeling. Where was my scarf? I knew, just knew for sure, that it was gone forever.

Arriving home, I called the restaurant, waited on hold for over 15 minutes while they searched, but alas, with no luck. Certain that I’d have worse luck at the mega-movie theater, I felt despair, but called their “Guest Services” anyway. No one ever answers that line. I know, I’ve tried before.


Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring….


“AMC Garden State Plaza, Guest Services, May I help you?”


“Duh, Uh, … you’re really there??”


“Yes ma’am. How can I help you?”


“I lost a scarf there tonight. In Theater # 14. Any chance you have it?”


“Please describe it.”


(Are you kidding me? If you don’t have it, just say so. Why waste my time and yours?)


“Well, it sounds gross, but it’s sortof brown, red, orange and purple. And it’s not flat, it’s round.”


Pause.


(I know she’s thinking, Why would anyone want something like that back?)


“Hold on. Let me check.”


Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick….


“Ma’am, there’s something here that might be it. You can come to Guest Services tonight.”


Elation…., could it be? “I can’t come back tonight. Can you hold it ’til Monday?”


“Uh, sure.”


“My name is Su…….”


“We can’t put your name on it. It might not be yours.”


“Oh, okay.”


Why wait until Monday? On Sunday afternoon, I stopped in at AMC Guest Services and shared my dilemma with the hip-hop fashionista clerk.


She disappeared into the lost-and-found black hole. When she returned, she held out my beloved scarf on both hands away from her torso as if she was holding roadkill.

With dismay, “Is this it????”        

“Oh, thank you so-o-o much. It may not mean much to you, but means the world to me.” I circled the scarf around my neck and headed back out into the cold.



What exactly does this all mean? Is there a message to be gleaned here?

Well, first of all, someone cared enough to bring my bedraggled scarf to a place where it could be redeemed. And 30 years ago, someone cared enough to share the gospel with me so that I could be redeemed. Who cared enough about you to share the gospel? Have you brought someone to your home or to church or out for coffee lately who needs to hear the good news?

My scarf clearly wasn’t the clerk’s style, and sometimes, people just don’t appeal to us. But they appeal to God and mean the world to Him, and because of that, they must mean the world to us, too. Is there someone unlovely that you need to see God’s way?

OK, this next one is a totally cheap illustration I know. When I was separated from my scarf, I sorely missed it. Being reunited with my scarf warmed my heart. Of course, this cannot begin to compare to the unfathomable love that God has for us, but you get the picture. Apart from Christ, we just are not complete. In Christ, we have joy, purpose, fulfillment, peace.
.
This scarf of mine was lost and now is found, so I began to celebrate –


“…For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.” Luke 15:24
.

Do you know Him? Celebrate!

Susan

Ten Pounds

Posted on by Susan Panzica

So I’ve been walking more and eating right,
and still fit into all the same large clothes! Arghhh!
I have to shift my perspective from earthly to eternal. 
Keep the temple healthy.
Be a disciple – exercise discipline.
“Be still” – is not an excuse to be lazy.
Exercise daily in God—no spiritual flabbiness, please!
Workouts in the gymnasium are useful,
but a disciplined life in God is far more so,
making you fit both today and forever.
You can count on this. Take it to heart.
1 Tim. 4:6 The Message

Focus!

Posted on by Susan Panzica

Oh, why is it that we tend to focus on the 1% negative instead of the 99% positive?

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers [and sisters!], whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:6-9

When we read the above verses, we usually note that verse 8 tells us what we ought to think about. But if we look at verses 7 and 9, we see that the peace of God (v.7) and the God of peace (v.9) are like bookends surrounding our thought life. If we can but focus on what is true, right, pure… anything that is excellent… something that is worthy of praise, we will discover the peace of God bathing our minds and the presence of the God of peace directing our thoughts.

Can you find something true and let your thoughts meditate on that today?

Would you leave a comment or send me an email on something you found true or worthy of praise? I’ll post them later this week for all of us to share!

Susan

Why I don’t live in Florida

Posted on by Susan Panzica
Okay, it’s official. I am living in a Seinfeld episode!
Even a difficult situation has its funny moments!

Arriving at the airport, I was supposed to meet Larry, the driver. On my cellphone in the busy terminal, I heard him say, “I’ll meet you outside.” So I waited outside in the suffocating heat and humidity with the other passengers. My hair was expanding by the minute. One by one, everyone was wisked away by their ride, and no Larry. Finally, I turned around and spotted a lanky old man in shorts, jacket and hat standing alone inside the doors. Could it be Larry? I turned to go inside, the glass doors parting before me like the Red Sea, releasing a blast of frigid air. Sure enough, it was Larry standing beside the deserted baggage carousel. Evidently, he said he’d meet me by the “number five”, not “outside.” You mean I could have waited in the air conditioning? Did he not think to step outside where everyone else was waiting for transportation? Oy!

Remember the Seinfeld episodes when Jerry visited his parents in Florida? I’m living the dream!

How about the one when Elaine slept on the sofabed and needed a chiropractor in the morning? Well, my chiropractor’s back in NJ!! [Miss you, hon!] I moved to the living room couch after the 1st night. Just like Elaine, I was assured that there was extra padding on the mattress crumpled inside the soda. Hmmmm, really?

Or the one where Jerry’s mom thinks it’s freezing if the temperature drops below 95. I was told to “bring a jacket because it’s so cold.” Are you kidding me? I’ve been having hot flashes that last all day.

In the morning, I had to drive alone to the hospital. How do I get out of here? Every street looks exactly the same. One wrong turn, and I will be lost forever in a maze of palm trees and stucco facades. We got my dad a GPS for his anniversary last year. Where would he keep it? My search of the car revealed only a pack of tissues and a deck of cards. Well, if I get stuck in the maze, at least I can play solitare!

Asking for directions wasn’t much help either. “It’s about 4 miles [it was 6] down the road. Look for the little blue ‘H’ signs.” How about mentioning the GIANT entrance to the university directly across the street? Luckily, I tore a map out of the phone book before I left. Too bad the map only showed 9th and 14th streets, and the hospital is off of 13th behind … a maze of palm trees and stucco facades.

These are a few of the signs I passed on the 6 mile trek to the hospital, well except for one. Can you guess which fictional development Jerry’s parents lived in?
-Boca Lakes
-Boca Gardens
-Boca Glades
-Boca Lyons
-Boca Rio
-Boca Lago
-Boca Pointe
-Boca Grande
-Oaks of Boca
-Del Boca Vista
I think I’ll name one Boca Shmoca…

Last night, I had a close encounter with a gekko. I won’t go into the harrowing ordeal, but he had no business being inside, and with my dad away, the extermination was left to me. Let’s just say: this is not my gift. I think my bloodcurdling screams could be heard echoing beyond … a maze of palm trees and stucco facades. And did you know that even if a palmetto bug is lying on his back in the same spot all night, he still might not be dead? Trust me on this – or you may experience the bloodcurdling screams yourself. Florida is not for the squeamish!

There’s a park nearby – Palmetto Park. Why not just be honest and call it Giant Cockroach Park?

Above my dad’s desk is a ‘classic’ guidebook “How To Be An Extremely Reform Jew” which contains such wonderful advice as:
Every doorpost in your house should have a mezuzah (a small hollow case containing a tiny scroll of parchment that typically reads ‘Inspected by No. 32’), and every time you pass by one, you should touch the mezuzah gently with your fingertips and then kiss your fingertips, until everyone in the household has the same flu symptoms. You should also say: “May God protect my going out and my coming in from now and evermore,” though it is common to abbreviate this to: “God, I’m late. Where is my umbrella?”

Now if I only had a pen that could write upside down in space!
Susan

ps – Thanks to all of you for storming the gates of heaven with me. Your prayer support means the world to me. I so appreciate the comments & emails, and I do feel your prayers.
Today is the first of our series of doctor’s appointments. May he & we get to the cause of the problem, so it can be properly treated. Lord, a complete miraculous healing would work, too!!
Thank you and God bless you…

Here’s the video from yesterday!

Posted on by Susan Panzica

For my sweet subscribers, I understand that for many of you yesterday’s YouTube video didn’t arrive in the email. If that happens, you can always just head over to the blog itself. It’s http://www.eternitycafe.blogspot.com/. Just a reminder that this video relates to my husband’s choice words of Scripture that I shared with you yesterday.

Here’s the link to the video, called Solomon’s Beloved:

If it doesn’t link to YouTube when you click, just copy & paste the link into your browser bar. Enjoy!


I just want to add – this video is of author Vonda Skelton who I met at the Philadelphia Writers Conference. She is an awesome speaker and writer. And since I couldn’t attend her workshop (I chose the new writers session), I had a 15 minute meeting with her. She was as helpful and encouraging as she could be. Her most recent book is: Seeing Through the Lies: Unmasking the Myths Women Believe.

Susan

True Beauty!

Posted on by Susan Panzica

23 years ago, when my husband and I were dating, he decided to share some scripture with me. Such a darling! As we sat side-by-side, his hand stroking my hair, he said, “Your hair is like goat’s hair.” Yup, that’s my guy! He went on to declare that my nose was like the “tower of Lebanon.” So romantic!! We’ve joked about that to this day!

Wasn’t I suprised to come across this hysterical video. Enjoy!!

That’s true beauty!

Susan